Do you have minor differences with your partner? Are the differences celebrated?
For example, one person loves beach holidays whilst the other loves the mountains; and over the course of your relationship you took turns booking dream holidays for one another? Sounds romantic and dreamy doesn’t it?
When a couple have major differences in the bedroom, it doesn’t sound so dreamy or romantic.
Major differences I hear as a sex therapist are:
- I like it in the morning; my partner likes it in the evening.
- I like it sensual, long foreplay sessions and can take or leave the ‘main event’; my partner just likes penetration.
- I like to explore, try new things; my partner only likes missionary and to be touched in one place.
- I like a lot of sex and want it spontaneously; my partner isn’t interested.
Do these resonate with you? If so, you are definitely not alone.
We are human, we are going to be different to our partner. Our sexual beliefs, ideals, fantasies, wants, and dislikes will also be different. Where couples go wrong is arguing about the differences.
The Consequences:
Not everyone will get aroused fighting with their partner. So the conversations around the differences can create a major wedge between people. Arguing with your partner and getting them to understand your perspective on sexuality is a fair reason to throw the brakes on to wanting sex.
To Do:
Sometimes you’ll be able to compromise, sometimes you won’t. Are you willing to try sex in a way your partner likes it? This doesn’t require sex to be ‘their way’ every single time. It’s a question of are you willing to have sex in the AM and in turn, knowing they will try to have sex in the PM with you.
If not, ask yourself why are you resistant on what your partner is proposing or what they like? You are also not forced are required to try everything. However sometimes understanding where the resistance comes from can be a big help.
If resistance comes from a position of resentment for example, because you believe your partner never listens to you and hence that’s why you don’t want to “give them” what they like. This is now a conversation the extends far beyond your sex life.
Differences don’t have to be a deal breaker. Try working on differences instead.
